Are You Stressed?

There was a period of two years when I was at Microsoft where I forgot to exhale.

Not really, obviously, since I'm still here.

The pressures were high, there was so much to do and actually embodying anything other than the notion of wellness was, well...

Not well.

When I say I didn't exhale for two years what I mean is that I never slowed or even paused to rebalance myself. 1 or 2am nights were typical. 

By day I was "on" and everything was "good". 

By night I toggled between basket case and robot.

I was woefully equipped to handle the demands of an exec-level job, two kids under the age of 4, a husband who was also in Big Tech and a household that needed me.

I had no self awareness and had none of the learnings I gained through coaching years later.

Like breathing - deeply and diaphramatically. And how critical this simple act is for your parasympathetic nervous system to relax and signal "I’m okay. I’ve got space. I've got this". (keep reading, more on this later)

I'm pretty sure the only breathing I did for those two years was the polite breath I'd take between meetings.

Or the sigh I had while logging on at 10pm to get started on my work. 

I naively thought if I could just "do more" the stress would go away.

I was one of those high performers who saw stress as something you're supposed to push through or ignore.  

But here’s the drop of wisdom I want to offer you:

Stress is a symptom not a problem.

When you look at it this way, you'll notice that the clues of stress and burnout are subtle.

Sometimes it looks like:

• Obsessively checking your phone even when there’s no notification.

• Feeling guilty for resting, even when your body is screaming for it.

• Overthinking every email, conversation, or next step.

• Being on all the time because you're afraid of what will happen if you're not.

• Finding yourself irritable, judgmental or reactive, especially with those you are close to

Any of this resonating?

Because chronic stress is the #1 enemy of high performance and you being your best self, I've dedicated an entire newsletter to this topic. 

And sharing with you one of the most important learnings I've ever gained...

Why Understanding The Stress Response Matters So Much

Let's play out a very common scenario:

You have to present your part of the business to executive management.

You've gained the respect and credibilty. You've got the research, the data, the key points and the talk track perfectly mapped out.

You know this business inside and out.

But it's a high stakes because this is the meeting where you're pitching for budget and resourcing.

Logically, you know your stuff.

Emotionally, you are a wreck.

You can't sleep in the nights preceding the meeting. Your gut is upset. You're snapping at your kids or coworkers. You're ruminating over and over about saying the wrong thing or forgetting the key points. 

THIS is why you need to understand the Stress Response.

When you feel stress a part of your brain called the amygdala (aka emotion processor) quickly reacts like flipping a switch.

It sends a signal to other parts of your body—the hypothalamus, pituitary gland, and adrenal glands (known as the HPA axis). This causes a rush of stress chemicals like norepinephrine and cortisol to flood your system.

Your heart starts pounding.

Your senses become sharper.

You’re in "fight or flight mode.”

You feel highly emotional or reactive.

You lose all reason (or it feels 10X harder to access it)

It reacts the same way every time. (Harvard Health, 2024)

Here's another way to understand what's going on: 

If a fire started or a saber tooth tiger was chasing you (real stress situation), you're not going to sit around and think about it. 

Being in any level of the stress response means your emotional brain has hijacked your prefrontal cortext which is responsible for your logic, reasoning, recall, memory and decision making.

So as long as you see any event, job, situation or person as a threat, your brain will kick into the stress response.

And while this is normal and all good in a real threatening situation, it's not so helpful when you have to give an exec presentation. 

Real vs. Perceived Stress 

Let’s talk about real stress versus perceived stress because this is where a lot of us get stuck.

Real stress is straightforward. It is something dangerous or urgent that demands immediate attention, like a fire in your home or a medical emergency. Your body’s natural response to these situations is powerful and lifesaving. It gets you focused, energized, and ready to act fast.

Perceived stress, on the other hand, is just as powerful but comes from things that may not actually threaten your safety. Like that exec presentation at work. Or a tough conversation with your boss, or, in my story shared above, the pressure of deadlines.

Your brain still sees these situations as threats even though they aren’t physically dangerous.

Here's why this is a problem in the workplace and a limiter to your high performance...

Your body reacts to perceived stress in the exact same way as it does to real danger.

You feel like you need to run or fight, even though your actual survival is not on the line. This is compounded by the fact that there's no outlet for this stress - you can't just hide or bail from that exec presentation (well, I guess you could but that would be a big ole C.L.M.)

You're living 24x7 in this heightened stress energy but can't ease it.

You're exhaused. Worn down. And burnt out.

Workplace stress is often compounded by the fact that there's so much uncertainty you have to deal with.

That exec presentation?

You don't know what questions VPs will ask. You don't know whether you'l get approval. You don't know if that frustrating peer will rathole the discussion around a number on appendix slide 14.

It's rife with uncertainty!

Our brains respond more intensely to “not knowing” than they do to specific, dreaded news, even when the latter is worse. 

A study published in Nature Communications and featured in WIRED confirmed that participants’ stress responses (measured by cortisol, heart rate, and sweating) peaked when they couldn’t predict if a minor electric shock would come. 

The most anxiety occurred not when shocks were certain, but when outcomes were uncertain.

So yes, even imagined fears in your head can feel as intense as real emergencies.

Recognizing this is powerful because it gives you the chance to take control. You can pause, breathe, and remind yourself that not all stress signals mean real danger. That awareness is the first step to managing stress rather than letting it manage you.

You need to feel calm, focused, and strong, even when the pressure is on. Your team, your best work and yes, sometimes your budget approval depends on it.

When you start to look at some of these early stress signals (insomnia, irritability, procrastination, extra drinking...) as clues versus problems, you put yourself back into the front seat of your career. 

 And learning to tell the difference between real and perceived stress is one of the most important skills you can develop on that journey.

The Real Cost of Stress To Your Career

I mentioned above that being in any level of the stress response means that your emotional brain has hijacked your prefrontal cortext.

Here's why you (and your desire for high performance) seriously need to care about this...

When stress sticks around for too long, it suppresses the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex—aka the dlPFC—your brain’s command center for planning, prioritizing, and controlling impulses.

Science shows that chronic stress reduces activity in this critical area, weakens your working memory, and pushes you toward quick, reactive decisions—kind of like jumping at a sudden loud noise without thinking.

When cortisol levels stay high over time, they actually damage parts of the brain responsible for clear thinking and confidence. Emotions take over, risk aversion rises, and your resilience takes a serious hit.

Scientifically, this all makes sense. But careerifically (yes, I just made up that word :)) it's a Really Big Deal.

Here are a few common examples to illustrate this point...

• Networking. If you have any fear or discomfort around rejection, talking to strangers, or what to say about yourself, you're seeing networking as a perceived threat and in some level of the the stress response. 
• Exec Presentations. If you have any fear of being judged, being wrong or that you don't know what kind of curve ball will get thrown at you in the meeting, you're seeing these presentations as a perceived threat.
• Layoffs. If your sense of safety or security is triggered, your identity as a working professional is at risk or you're not entirely sure what to do next or how to get there (even if you are an accomplished, credible leader), you're in the stress response.

If you default to only your emotional brain in any of the above scenarios, it's not a bad thing, it just limits you. You might stumble over your words while networking or avoid it altogether, you might forget key points in that exec meeting or not show up confidently, or you might get stuck when it comes to getting a new job. 

Understanding this science is key to staying sharp, especially when work (or life) piles on pressure.

The Krytonite to Stress: Flip the Script

Remember the story of Superman? And that green radioactive ore called kryptonite that robbed him of all his power?

By now you're probably ready to know what kryptonite you can use against stress.

There are many, as I'm sure you're well aware. Things like the deep 'box breathing', exercise, massage, meditation, etc. 

All those things are incredible. I still use every one of them in my life. But what they don't do is reset the brain, specifically the connection between thoughts and emotions.

That's where the skill of flipping the script comes in.

When the pressure is on or when uncertainty is high, here’s the simple formula I use—and coach my clients to use—to stay grounded and in control. It works especially well in those high-stakes moments when everything feels like it’s riding on the next move.

1. State: Reset your state of being

When I ask my clients to describe their state, or how they're feeling under stress, it's typically words like 'overwhelmed, anxious, distracted, stressed, pissed'. 

Here's the kicker: You can't create a different outcome from the same state of being.

That's the missing link I never knew during those two painful years of corporate burnout.

Want to be more productive, impactful, credible, efficient?

You can't get to any of those places from an overwhelmed, anxious, distracted, stressed, pissed state of being.

No matter how hard you try.

Start by deciding what you want your state of being to be: calm or focused are usually the starting point.

Which means it's non negotiable to get your state of being to, say, calm. This way your brain can catch up and you'll get out of that stress response. When you understand the power and importance of getting from stressed to calm, you'll know what works for you.

Common examples include:

• A five-minute walk outside (it's key to change your environment)

• Three deep, intentional breaths. (there's an entire movement around breathwork, check it out if you're curious) 

• A quick burst of physical movement, like jumping jacks, push-ups, or even a few downward (yoga) dogs

• A short moment of stillness with your eyes closed to regroup, recalibrate

These tiny resets signal safety to your parasympathetic nervous system and help reconnect you to your prefrontal cortex—the part you need for smart, confident thinking and decision making.

2. Story: Reframe your inner dialogue

100% of the time our state of being has a direct correlation to the story we're telling ourselves. Feeling overwhelmed? Guess what the loop in your head says? 

"I'm overwhelmed"

So check the story you’re telling yourself. When you're in the stress response, your brain will often trigger fear-based thoughts like:

“What if they reject my proposal?”

Recognizing that you can edit the story you're telling yourself is one of the most powerful skills you'll need to get out of the stress response.

Here's the question you can ask yourself:

What do I want - and need - to believe about myself?

I just went through this exercise with a client two days ago. What started with "I'll mess up" became "I'm highly competent. I'm an expert in my work"

This is big mindset (and emotion) shift. You can see the difference here...

Would you rather go into that exec presentation from a place of "I'm overwhelmed" or "I'm highly compenent"?

Pretty sure I know your answer. :-)

The bottom lin: Your words shape your mindset more than you think. 

3. Strategy: Move into action

Now that your state and story are empowered, you're in a much better place to employ the best 'strategy' or approach to high performance. You can think of State and Story as prerequisites to the Strategy you'll be operating. Here's the difference:

• When overwhelmed, your 'strategy' might be to shut down or work very haphazardly. It might take you days to get focused. But when calm and competent, your prefrontal cortex is fully on, and you can whip through that presentation with the help of your friend ChatGPT in minutes. 

• When fearful, you might have scripted an entire talk track but when you're in the meeting you forget all of it. When calm and focused, you can quickly access all key points and relevant data.

• When overwhelmed or anxious, you might blather, word vomit or talk too fast. No judgment here, but all of those things aren't supportive to your credibility as a competent leader. When calm, you're prepared, concise and credible.

You do not have to tackle everything at once. Each micro-action builds trust in your ability and puts you back in the driver’s seat.

I love this one: Jensen Huang's Story

Jensen Huang is the CEO of Nvidia, a company worth nearly $3.4 trillion in 2025.

What’s driving that level of impact isn’t fanatical confidence…it’s fear of failure.

According to his biographer, Huang “becomes very uncomfortable when things are going well” and uses that tension to keep himself sharpened and pushing boundaries. 

This isn’t a toxic hustle. It’s smart stress.

Huang is an example of how pressure can become purpose when you recognize it, channel it, and move forward intentionally, not reactively.

He's not letting stress limit him. He's not a victim to stress.

He's using the energy of stress to propell him forward.

That's a master at work.

The Bottom Line

Stress is not a flaw and it’s definitely not a sign of weakness. It’s a signal.

It's your body’s way of saying, “Hey, something needs your attention.”

But if that signal goes unchecked, it starts to hijack your focus, your energy, and your ability to make smart, strategic decisions.

The good news? You can interrupt that cycle.

When you learn how to calm your state, shift the story in your mind, and take even the smallest step forward, you do more than just manage stress.

You turn it into fuel. You get clarity. You take back control. You step into your power, and this is exactly when it matters most.

Weekly Edge

The next time stress creeps in—maybe right before a big meeting or a tough conversation—try this:

Pause: Take three deep breaths. Let your body slow down.
Reframe: “I am prepared. I am capable. Take one step forward.”
Act: Open the doc. Write down three bullet points. Draft the email. Just begin.

Then check in with yourself.

How did your energy shift? Did your tone soften? Did clarity return?

Start tracking those moments. They add up.

You are not here just to get through the day.

You are here to lead with clarity, with courage, and with calm.

You've got this.

— Julie

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